


Looking Back

by BalloonBalls



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Late Night Conversations, M/M, Past Regrets, lots of monologuing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2019-06-10 03:44:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15282846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BalloonBalls/pseuds/BalloonBalls
Summary: In the dead of night, many look back at the past and reflect on it. However, for both Akira and Akechi that is not a good idea.





	Looking Back

Akechi had always heard that love was painful, and there was no way he could confirm or deny that statement. Still, he wouldn't have been surprised if that statement were to be true. He always heard that love was the most painful and risky human emotion to have, it could potentially cause the worst types of heartbreak and lead to emotional trauma if the situation grew out of hand. So Akechi could never wrap his head around why people, himself included, desperately craved the strange human emotion.

Though all forms of love seemed to have the same types of risks and pains, Akechi noticed that one type in particular was special or different. Romance. He was never a man to want to spend time romancing the local girl or boy down the street with pretty eyes and hair; he always thought that it was a waste of time. However he noticed that the consequences of loving someone in such a way brought on such an intense high but came with such intense risks.

Akechi ended up growing curious about the strange human emotion that he never experienced. He eventually did some form of research, looking into 'cute romantic posts' online, reading up on people's descriptions and stories that they had to share from their real life experiences. It sounded so terrible, yet so amazing at the same time. If Akechi was going to be honest, he was petrified and intrigued by this strange human occurrence. He wanted to know what made this terrible feeling so amazing. Was it like a drug? An addiction? Something that once the person got a taste of they suddenly couldn't live without? But how could that be? No matter how much he searched he was never provided an answer.

Eventually, the intense finally came to him as a crazy whirlwind or tornado that swept him off of his feet and threw him high into the air, then hitting every possible object on his way down. It was just as the posts that he read at three in the morning on a bad night said, it was just as intense and calming and terrible as he had heard. Of course, no amount of reading and prepping could ever truly prepare him for this intense feeling.

It all began that one day. He had survived, the only thing that kept him alive was his quick wit. Still, he was struggling and in copious amounts of pain. However, he found himself having a partner by his side. That black haired boy found him stumbling in the streets at the darkest hour, blood pooling. The boy didn't leave Akechi alone, in fact, he probably saved his life that night. He probably saved more than his life if Akechi was going to be honest.

From that day forward, he was never alone. That boy took him in like a bird with broken wings and nursed him back to health. He watched over him and made sure Akechi stayed safe and healthy while he recovered. Akechi had never felt more guilty in his life, he was being taken care of by the boy that he wanted to kill more than anything. That boy was always a person of interest to him, but now his kindness had sparked something unfamiliar in Akechi's heart that he couldn't shake. So for the first time in his entire life, he began to let someone inside heart.

It had started very slow. Akechi's first signs of openniess was when he stopped protesting the boy's help. In the beginning, he took almost every opportunity he got to try and sneak out of the attic he was being holed up in. However that boy always caught him lying half dead on the floor and he'd have to push Akechi right bt ack into bed. He was always protesting the boy's kindness, would only eat when he was absolutely starving, slapped the boy's hands away when he tried to wrap Akechi's bandages, would bark at the boy every time he tried to make conversation with the other. Looking back on those days, Akechi could never figure out why he wouldn't quit helping him.

It wasn't pride that made him so childlike, but shame and guilt. He was so ashamed of himself for what he had done to them, he never wanted to face these people again because he didn't deserve to. He ruined everything for them, he almost killed them for God's sake. He felt awful about it, he wanted the boy to hate him, to punch him, to kick him, to reject him. He never did that though, instead he took him in and broke down his walls. That effort that the boy showed off started the spark inside Akechi, and that caused him to change.

However, a thought kept coming to his minds during those nights. He almost died for that boy, but why? At that time, he had no idea why he was even risking his life to save the people he just tried to kill mere moments ago. Was it atonement? Was it an attempt at redemption? Maybe Akechi had cared for him all this time, and he was too stubborn to admit it. Maybe the roots of love were already growing inside of him like a plant, and he didn't even realize it.

He started to talk to him just a little bit. They usually spent those hours talking in depth about what happened to the Phantom Thieves and to Akechi after they split. Then the conversation would bleed into what were his motives for murder and copious amounts of apologizing. That boy never reprimanded him, but instead listened to him and took everything in silently. It was refreshing and made him really...happy.

That boy, Akira, forced Akechi into spending a tremendous amount of time the Phantom Thieves. He could see all of the pain and loneliness inside of the other's heart, but it wasn't like Akechi was good at hiding those feelings anymore. After those days, the boy just read him like a book. Once Akechi completely exposed himself with all of the rot and sin he held inside of his heart, it's like Akira had some form of a deep understanding for Akechi's feelings. After all, Akechi did just blurt out his feelings and intentions on the spot that day, so it's no surprise that someone like Akira would figure out Akechi completely.

With all of that time they spent together, Akechi started to feel the tell-tale signs. He couldn't help it! That boy gave him everything he always wanted, and it became addicting. He was starting to become a lovesick fool, and it was absolutely frightening. The changing of his words around to sound more appealing, the constant longing of wanting to be physically closer to him, the painfully obvious goofy smile that always stayed plastered on his face, the constant thoughts of the black haired boy during the late hours of the night that bleed into morning, it was all there. He was an addict.

No amounts of flowery and poetic language could prepare him for this feeling. It was way worse than Akechi had ever thought it would be, but it was also way better. It was like he was on an extremely intense roller coaster ride. He had heard that analogy before but he didn't understand what it meant until Akira looked at him. He would over think everything for so long that he'd start to cry during the nights. He would ask himself what's the point of feeling this way or why things had to be this way. Then Akira would randomly send him a late night text, like he knew that Akechi was suffering. Suddenly, all of those terrible thoughts and feelings would be gone and he'd be stuck with a case of the giggles.

Love was hurt, a painful experience that Akechi would most definitely wish on his closest friends. It was a terrible feeling that he enjoyed more than anything in this world. Maybe everyone on this planet was a bit of a masochist for enjoying something as terrible as this. However love wasn't all bad though, it was a give and take type of situation but Akechi was doing the giving and the taking by himself. it was constant worry about the other, but it was also true joy when he could see the other boy sitting right next to him. It was being choked with a gag, but the gag was made out of satin.

However, he didn't even know how high he could get off the feeling until he felt the love being reciprocated. That was the beauty in the pain, that was what people enjoyed the most about the feeling. He thought un-reciprocated love was terribly amazing, but that ideology quickly changed once he found out Akira's true feelings.

Even the little things made him feel so blissful, Akira could just pleasantly say his name and it was like he had won the lottery. However, Akechi had no idea what to do with his feelings. All of the posts he read were talking all about the feeling and describing it along with it's symptoms, but they never gave any sort of advice. He could identify the situation quite well, but didn't know how to deal with it. It was completely unknown territory, and Akechi was completely defenseless.

But somehow, he stumbled through the mindfield without setting off anything and hurting himself. In fact, he got exactly what he wanted. He won Akira's affections, and he did not end up with the short end of the stick when it came to falling in love. Akechi got to be with the one he loved, and it was truly the best feeling he ever felt in his entire existence.

The calming words, the reassuring tone, the soft touches on the skin, the feathery kisses in odd places, the allowed and unspoken closeness they shared, it was the most beautiful thing Akechi had ever experienced. On the outside, love either looked painful or shallow. Akechi would watch random happy couples walk by in the market because it looked so unrealistic. How could someone be that happy holding someone's hand? When reading about love in text posts, it looked absolutely painful and sickening. What was the point of feeling this way? It was strange how both the couples and the posts were completely accurate to the experience.

Akechi just couldn't help but look at the boy who laid next to him in a bed that was too small for the both of them. In the past he had made fun of Akira for being 'attic trash' and he genuinely had no idea how he could even live in a place like this, but now that he had spent so many nights in this place it felt somewhat homey. Maybe it was because there were so many good memories he had buried in the walls of this place.

Even though Akira was facing the wall, Akechi definitely still enjoyed the behind view. Even in the dark, he could see how much his hair had curled up at the ends which gave it it's signature frizzy look. He could faintly Akira's spine protruding through his back, and that upset Akechi. He knew that Akira went to prison for a while because he confessed to his crimes, but still, he could never bring himself to become involved with the whole situation at the time.

Akira never talks about it much, but Akechi knew those experiences got to him during the nights. Maybe love gave him some sort of insight on everything about Akira, even if it's something barely noticeable. He barely shows off any sort of trauma from all of his past and his situations, but Akechi knew it was there. Akira was the exact opposite of himself in that sense, and there have been many a nights where Akechi could be found breaking down crying while on the phone with Akira so he could desperately try to calm down.

Akira had gotten so small ever since coming back home, and he got just a little bit quieter. Sometimes, if the room is dark enough, Akira would crack just a little and let out what he was feeling. Still, Akira was never a highly emotional person, but he's not emotionless either. Prison was just difficult for him, and it definitely took some years off of his life. Whenever Akechi thinks about something like that, it makes him want to cry for Akira's sake.

Akechi definitely notices the changes in Akira whenever he thinks of the past. He's not a very talkative guy to begin with, but he becomes so quiet that he only gives one or two word responses. He touches Akechi just a little more, playing with the loose strands of hair to make himself feel better. Akira even avoids eye contact if he's feeling particularly down that day, but those days are rare to come by. He's strong, and Akechi admired that.

He raised his hand gently and lightly grazed the skin of Akira's back with his fingers, keeping his eyes fixated on every little imperfection on his body that made him who he was. His skin was not soft to the touch, it was scarred and full of wounds. It was like he was constantly healing from the last thing fate had thrown at him, and it angered Akechi. Still though, his skin was kind of befitting to how he is inside. Not soft at all. He shuddered, causing Akechi to jump and pull his hand away immediately. It was perfectly okay for Akechi to touch Akira's back, he had done it before, but it still felt like he was caught breaking the law or something.

"I'm okay," Akira stated, his voice sounded dulled and groggy. Akechi knew what that meant, he knew that he was lying to him. Akechi understood though, he knew all too well that there were times when talking is just too damn difficult. He wouldn't push it, not unless he really felt the need to. The last thing he wanted was to make Akira even more upset. "I didn't think you were awake," Akechi mumbled, causing Akira to roll over on his other side to face the only other person he'd let slept in his bed. His hair fell into his face, the curls lying flatly on his cheeks and nose. Akechi just wanted to push them out of the way to get a better look at Akira's face. He was Akechi's favorite sight after all, especially when he was tired.

"I thought you were asleep too," Akira spoke, raising his hand and rubbing some sleep out of his eye. "Were you unable to rest?" Akechi asked, pushing some of his own hair behind his ear so it wouldn't hinder his vision. He really needed to get a haircut soon, but Akira didn't want him to. He really enjoyed running his hands through the Akechi's hair, and Akechi really enjoyed it too. He also liked to run his hands through Akira's curly locks, brushing out some of the knots gently with his fingers. It was one of the most calming things he could do, and Akira would just melt like a dog getting scratched in it's favorite spot.

"Yeah, I just..." Akira sighed, then moved himself closer to Akechi. His suspicions were proven correct, Akira was hurting. It was kind of funny, the things that hurt Akira the most were not his own problems but worrying about his friends' problems. However, that did not mean he did not have his own personal struggles and demons that came crawling out in the middle of the night. Akechi wanted nothing more than to make his pain go away, but no matter how many times he urged Akira to just open up to him like he did many months ago, the other would just not budge. He really didn't like pushing the subject, but he was just so damn worried.

"I just like to make sure you're still...here," Akira admitted, raising his hand and gently placing on Akechi's cheek. "I'm not going anywhere, Akira. It's all in the past," Akechi cooed, leaning into the hand against his cheek. Akechi can never directly help Akira through his pain because he would never share his negative feelings, but he prayed that these little moments are slowly but surely breaking down his walls. It was kind of funny, Akira didn't even have to say that something was bothering him but Akechi somehow knew that something was wrong. That's just how things had been ever since they ended up this way, ever since they ended up this close.

Akira sighed, moving closer to Akechi once again so that their stomachs and chests were pressed up against each others'. He was obviously not in a talking mood tonight, and Akechi understood that. Still though, without words, how could he steal away Akira's pain? Akechi couldn't resist the urge anymore, he raised his hand and gently pushed some of the fringe out of Akira's face to get a better look at him. Even in the dark, his eyes still entranced Akechi with how complex and beautiful they looked. Damn, how did Akechi end up being so lucky? Was this how he was making up for all the terrible luck he had in the past? Akechi wrapped his arms around Akira, holding onto him in a tight embrace. He knew that Akira never liked expressing emotions through words, so he hoped that this embrace was more comforting than anything they could have said to each other.

"I know," Akira mumbled, leaning in and planting a soft and gentle kiss to Akechi's lips. He never liked to admit it, but he absolutely loved when Akira did things like that. Those gentle little touches and kisses made Akechi just smile a little more. They didn't feel like they had ulterior motives, they felt real and genuine. They didn't have to be there but they were because there was so much love in Akira's heart that it had to be expelled somehow.

For a while, Akechi had fought with himself on the subject of Akira's love. How could he love someone like Akechi? That's still a thought that plagues his mind in the night, but it has gotten a lot better since the day when Akira confessed his feelings. For a long time he was convinced that he was trying to get something from Akechi, or maybe that he was pitying him or playing with him. During that time, he hated ever expressing any sort of love and affection toward Akira because he could get hurt. Akechi did not want to get close to him at all, he was too scared of the consequences. However, that distance didn't last very long.

"I was thinking about how much you have changed since you first came back," Akira commented, taking his hand off of Akechi's cheek and sliding it up Akechi's neck and into his hair, playing with a few loose strands. A break through! Akechi knew that wasn't all Akira was thinking about, he was probably thinking about his past with Akechi in general. Those memories depressed the both of them, but hey, he opened up a little! That's a start! However Akira wasn't wrong, it was almost as if he was a completely different person from that point till now. When he first came back, he just felt terrible in every way, shape, or form.

Back then, he was only really felt two emotions, sadness and anger. There was so much regret that he felt because of what he had done to everyone, especially Akira. He felt so unworthy of their friendship and the kindness that they showed toward him, it made him sick really. During those days, he either acted extremely hostile toward them to push them away, or extremely distant. There was so much crying involved back then, and so much emotional work. However, everyone was patient and understanding toward him and that made him feel even worse. They were good people, and Akechi was not. He didn't deserve them, he knew that. However, their love ended up breaking all of his attempts to distance himself, and he showed off a side of himself that he never knew existed.

Akira and the others gave him this warmth that ended up festering into a new personality. It felt vaguely similar to his pleasant mask that he used to wear long ago, but it was different. He found himself growing pleasant and bouncy around others as the months went on, but it was all genuine. He would find himself enjoying his new friends company and not having regrets or ulterior motives behind it. Akechi stopped trying to morph his personality to make everyone like him, he was content with just being himself. He would even laugh and joke in a way that was vulnerable and real. He had slowly opened up to the Phantom Thieves as time went on.

Of course, when he realized his feelings for Akira, he had his own little mental shut down. He cried, God did he cry for hours. Akechi had locked himself in his bedroom for days, hating himself for finding something more in friendly kindness and taking it too damn far. He wouldn't talk to anyone about it, and it felt like his isolating tendencies were coming back very quickly. He was barely able to be friends with someone casually, but having a deep friendship with true vulnerability and trust was something Akechi wasn't ready for at that time. And now on top of that, he was starting to feel the absolute monster of a feeling called love?! Akechi couldn't deal with it, it was just way too much for him to handle. The posts were right though, it was oh so painful.

The Phantom Thieves did warm Akechi's heart a little by sending him texts and calling him constantly to make sure he was okay. He'd never answer, he couldn't bring himself to. Akechi hated himself for making them worry because he didn't deserve their kindness, he hated that he was being selfish about something he didn't even deserve in the first place. Eventually Akira got sick and tired of Akechi dodging his texts and calls so he invited himself over to his apartment. When he showed up to Akechi's apartment, he just started to cry right there at the front door. His actions just meant so much to him, it was just so overwhelming that he let everything spill right there.

The two of them had a full conversation about Akechi's past and pains, but this time there was no filter. Akira just sat there, patting Akechi's head and whispering 'it's okay' and 'take your time' to him. He listened without judgement because he genuinely cared and wanted him to feel better. Since Akechi had let go of his filter and completely dumped out his feelings, he ended up confessing his romantic feelings right there and then. Of course it was accompanied with lots of tears and snot. Once he said it, he immediately regretted it but Akira had never looked so happy. That night is definitely one that Akechi could never forget, no matter how embarrassing it was. Still though, that day marked the beginning of their new type of relationship.

"I wasn't happy back then, but I am now. That's probably why I seem like I've changed. I'm just...really happy is all," Akechi admitted, and Akira just smiled at him. He loved seeing that smile so much, it was a small little smile but he knew there were so many feelings behind it. It felt simple and pure, and it just made him really happy whenever he saw it. "I'm glad," Akira confirmed, brushing through Akechi's messy hair with his fingers. "I love you," Akechi whispered for no particular reason other than the fact that he wanted it to be known. "I love you too," Akira responded, his smile growing larger. Even though he had heard Akira say that before, it still made him smile.

For some reason, the phrase 'I love you' went from his least favorite to his favorite in the past few months. In the past, he wanted those three words to never exist. They held so much power over anyone they were directed at, it was like a weapon that was too dangerous and it needed to be destroyed. However, now he loved saying it and he certainly loved hearing it. It somehow became a safety blanket of sorts. If Akira loves him then he'll never leave him, and if Akechi loves him then he'll never hurt him. Saying it made him feel warm and peaceful, safe. Hearing it made him feel even better though.

It was funny, Akechi could have never admitted he loved someone for the longest time. Hell, he got angry when Morgana pointed out that he smiled at Akira back when they were enemies. Back then, he hated the fact that he had emotions, and he especially hated having positive emotions towards others because it showed off some form of weakness in his eyes. That fact that someone had emotional leverage over him absolutely destroyed him.

Eventually, that got a little better. He slowly came to terms with the fact that he cared about his new friends, and eventually he was even able to express his feelings of care for them even just a little bit. However the words 'I love you' were the hardest to come to terms with and to say out loud. They were just so powerful and so scary, and it made him want to cower and hide whenever he heard them. However he also craved to hear those words being used in his direction, it was kind of like a twisted desire he had.

However, time did pass and Akechi grew more and more with Akira's help. Eventually, it started to become easy to say 'I love you' to him. The first time Akechi said it, Akira looked so damn happy that he couldn't stop laughing at him and making fun of his 'stupid smile'. However, when Akira returned the phrase Akechi was met with the same treatment he gave earlier. It took a lot of time for him to even warm up to the idea that he might even love him, and saying it took an even longer time. Akira was patient though, he knew that he was struggling and completely understood. He wouldn't say it or force Akechi to say it until he was ready, and that made him so happy.

"It's late so I'm going to try and get some sleep. Good night," Akechi said, leaning in and kissing Akira quickly. Akechi let go of him and rolled onto his other side so he could try to get comfortable. Akira immediately took the opportunity to wrap his arms around Akechi's body and pulled him close, squeezing him tight. He was definitely thinking about the past, he clung to him so tightly that Akechi couldn't get out of the bed even if he wanted to. Akechi was thinking about the past too, so this comfort was definitely welcomed. Akira showed him so much patience when he was struggling with his own inner demons, so Akechi was determined to show him the same hospitality. After all, he wasn't going anywhere because he was too comfortable and happy like this.

If there was one thing he could note about his experience of love, it's that love isn't as bad as many say. In the beginning, it's just as awful as people poetically write about. There's longing, pain, heart ache, and so many more nasty things. It doesn't stay like that forever though because eventually all of that fades away. Many believe that the best part about love is the sickening feeling of butterflies or nerves accompanied with copious amounts of passion, but that's not the case. In fact, the best part is when all of that goes away because then they're left with is something calming and soothing that helps them feel better.

Akechi was worried that after a while the passion would fade away and they'd end up as some old married couple that argued constantly and secretly hated each other, but that was not the case. When things did finally settle he realized that all of the pain and worry he harbored in his heart was replaced by a strong sense of security and companionship. He knew that now he depended on Akira and that he had a very large weakness, but Akechi was okay with that. That weakness ended up making him the best person he could ever be.

Love is a strange thing, it's almost as if it's sentient in some ways. It grows as we grow, changing and developing as we do. It's its own little beast with the most terrifying and gratifying experiences that come with it. At first it's hostile, wild, terrifying, and passionate but then it becomes something more compassionate and tamed. Maybe that's all Akechi really needed, that calm and warm type of love that he feels now to truly help him recover from the past and to grow for the future.


End file.
